Need

Dear love,

I hope that someday
you'll need me
like I always need you.

Love, N

-

This feeling hurts so much, i swear I couldn’t hold this.
The pain, is like being stabbed. Hurts so much.

Love,

missing you hurts so much.
I’m draining in thoughts, expectations and curiosity.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.

I miss you so much, but I could no longer tells you that.
It hurts.
It hurts real bad.

I couldn’t stop crying since the first day you said you wanna go.
I’ve been crying every night.
Wanting you to come back.
Wanting you to hold me tight.
My life is a bit meaningless without you.

I love you so much, I cannot stop thinking about you.

All i want is you. All i want is you. All i want is you.
I want to be back in your arms.


This is killing me.

Dear...

Dear love,

this “break time” we’re having me kills me every single day.
Living without you sucks; i feel empty than ever.
I couldn’t survive not hearing your voice, not knowing what you’re doing, not receiving any sweet messages from you, even it’s a simple “morning boo”.

I dreamt of you every day.
EVERY DAY.
Sleeping got me sick; i hate sleeping now.
I hate seeing you in my dreams. Cuz i terribly miss you.
And missing you, can’t get me doing anything. I can’t express it to you, cuz we’re nothing anymore?
Sigh.

Dear love,

I hope you know and always know how much did I dedicate my heart, my love towards you.
I hope you know how big my love towards you will be.
I hope you won’t break your promises this time.
This waiting game, got me dying.
But if you worth the waiting, I’ll wait for you.
No other man could replace you in my heart for now. Cuz i love you so much.

Please, come back.

Love, N

Dark attempt

I'm losing myself again. I think I am being unconscious in my life right now. I didn't even know what am I doing in my life right now. Everything seems so dark. I can't clearly see what's happening around me right now. I can't even think well, can't really plan for my future endeavours. I am losing my passion. I'm no longer know what's my passion and even what are the things that keeps me going on right now. I'm no longer brave to dream. I've lose my spirit, my soul. I've lose everything inside me. It's empty. I keep on hearing voices in my head. Stuck in depression. Cried heavily. Attempted suicide. How bad can these things be? I don't even know what's happening to me now...I kinda feel that I am in a big regret. I didn't work hard for myself, my future. I've let myself lost in my own mean world. I've let depression controlled me. I regret for letting these things happened.

God, please help me. I'm insane.

On the edge of every why (s)

Why am I putting extra effort for myself & for other people to be happy?
Why they didn't do the same to me?
Why I don't feel appreciated?
Why should I tell what to do when you don't wanna do it anyway?
Why do I have to spend time mending my own broken heart?
Why?

I've talked too much.
I've think too much.
And I hope I've made too much, too.

On every why(s), there comes disappointment.
On every why(s), there comes heartbreaks.

Changed.

I'm sorry;

but;

You've changed.

Hollow

My souls are empty.
Loneliness conquered me.
Depression is haunting.

I hate this feeling of loneliness.
Of feeling empty.
Of feeling miserably lonely.

Behind all these smiles, there is an empty soul.
Behind all these laughter, there are tears, falling like a waterfall.
Behind all these strengths, there are bruises all over this heart.


Demoralized, demotivated.

I need a remedy.
Cure me.

Tears, N

22 days; Looking for Love

Sometimes;
when they are comfortable enough;
they'll loved.
and probably;
they'll forget.
They'll forget the happiness they created before.

It's suicidal.
It's painful.

Am I breaking my own heart?
Or --
It's just a fantasy of mine?

Maybe, people should stop promising me things that they can't keep.
Maybe, people should stop convincing me that I'll get defense on anything.
Maybe, people should stop saying that they will protect me.

Maybe, they should stop.
They should;
because they won't. They don't.

I hope I will keep seeing things, in a good way.
I hope.

because the hope is fading; the hope towards myself is fading.

Love, N

Stormy

It's so frustrated that I have to keep everything to myself.

The need of talking to someone is burning in my soul.

but I just can't.

I am tired of crying, inside & out.

I am tired of all the stupid dramas that people continuously create.
I am tired of all the negativity people are spreading.

I am tired of all the unsolved problems, that I can't bear to solve.

I am tired of talking to myself every single day.

I am tired of all the nightmares I had every time I tried to sleep.

I am definitely in the state of getting tired of everything.

How I wish someone can listen to me now.

How I wish someone can see me crying out loud now.

How I wish someone can hug me tight now.

How I wish.

And how I wish,

everything ended now.

Why do I feel alone? Why do I cry every single day of my new life? Why am I not happy?

Patience; the main key for now.

Hey big girl,

everything will be better, soon.

Stand still.

Love, N

Lonely

Lately,

I feel lonely.







This loneliness is killing me.

Where

I don't have more guts;
to ask for things;
to voice out my unhappy heartfelt;
to share (even) my happiness.

Where did the feeling goes?

I am afraid that someday--
I won't be happy with myself, anymore.
I am afraid that someday--
I died on the inside. My soul.

Am I taking a good care of my own heart?

I hope I do.

Rights?

Sometimes, somehow, the thoughts on mind are ridiculous.
Till when should I acted like this?

But;
my heart is forcing me.
To get the rights that I deserved.

But;
do I really deserve the 'rights' I kept on telling myself?

No. Yes, no.

I am tired with myself, after a while.
Telling myself to move on from all the memories;
which are not even mine.


Hurt. Definitely hurt.
Sick. Definitely sick.


But;
I am not giving up--
on us.

Love, N

I choose.......

After countless hours & minutes, waiting for good, we chose this way?


I choose to stay away.


Perhaps I am hurt with my own mistakes. The one who always try to ruin a happy story. Fuck. Can you at least make people happy, self? Can you stop being stupid?


I choose to stay away.


How many more days should I stay in this depression?



Broken; I am more than broken right now.



God, please pull me out. I can't stand anymore.

Dull

Things are just getting dull lately. Am I being the old me back again? It's a red alert if it's a yes. Things are getting dull, slow, boring and yeah, umm I don't know. I can't simply assume anything because I am afraid it all actually came from me. So stay chill and.............stay chill. Don't put up too much comments, dissatisfaction, complaints, arguments and so on, self. Stay down to the max.


Embrace yourself.

Love, N

The hustle is real

Currently found myself trapped in my own mind all over again. Sick of it. Everything seems to be a mess right now. All I wanna do right now is to keep everyone safe from any mess. Yet, I have to sacrifice myself. It's a hard decision I gotta bare, really hard. I'm afraid that I won't be able to say hello to a good future. Sometimes I wonder why did I took up these kind of responsibilities in my life. But the answer is super easy: it was fated to be yours. No saying no.

Strength & support is all I ever need right now. But seems like I can't really find anyone to talk, comforting myself. Hey, I should be doing it myself. No more telling people. No more. I need a distraction, to manipulate my mind from all these negativity. Yet, I can't find the right things, places to distract my mind from all of this. The hustle is getting real. I am afraid that someday I'll be giving up in my life again. I ain't going back to dark past of mine, where I made stupid decisions for myself. No, strictly no.


"Am I depressed?"

Yes, you are.
Just, don't let your depression controls you like it did before.



Where is the light? It's dark here.

Pull me out.

Love, N

Struggling in life?

Writing (I mean typing) early in the cold morning, still wrapped up in blanket, with sweater on and cooling pad on my forehead. Fever sucks. Still, I feel like want to express my feeling over here. Well, I got no where else.

Struggle. 

How do you really define the word? I was questioned & judged about my efforts in my life. "plus before this you never struggled pun nk achieved something. Semua org yg tolong." I will probably remembered this clearly in my head. And now, I am questioning myself: How was your effort, your struggle, in surviving your life? Hmm big question mark.

People didn't clearly see what am I struggling in my life, every single day. Yet, they tend to discriminate, judge, condemn. Why? Because they think they were born perfect in this world. I feel grateful, yet hurt. Grateful that I am up for any challenges now and still alive, strong and ready for another challenges; hurt that people tend to...umm well, judge me only in one thing without considering the others. I spend almost 10 years of my life to help my family, without considering myself first, without being selfish. Yet, people judge me that way? Yes, people helped me a lot before. I am grateful for that. But, hmm I am out of words. This thing got me dying in pain over and over again....but no worries. I will (and have to) be strong enough to face this. #BeStrong

Reminder to myself from all the things that happened today;

we are no one to judge people.

we are no one to judge an individual's effort.

no need to show off to the world that only you are putting effort on something: the world doesn't fucking care. Believe me.

Past is past. Plan ahead for the future. You know yourself better now. You know how far you are changing now. You know how to motivate yourself. You know how to love yourself better now. You know how to be thankful to people now. You know a lot now, self. Implement it. Be grateful. Be strong. Stay chill. Stay astig!

P/s: despite the shits that happened early in the morning, I am not upset. I am thankful to Allah that He gave me chance to stay alive today (in shaa Allah more days, years ahead), with my loved ones who always support me through ups & downs and one of the way to prevent this day to be a bad day ahead (haha). I need a good day to stay away from this annoying fever tho.

Love, N

Disease

Insecurities or jealousy?

Shit. Both; it got me confused, all the time. I am not really sure whether I am jealous or what, just that I got the insecurities all the time in my head. I do regret for having a hot boyfriend; whom every girl wants to be with him. Beautiful, hot girls around him. Still, he chose me -_- wtf. Aaaaaaa how to get rid of this feeling?!?!?! I'm getting sick of it. (haha)

Jealousy is a disease.

Get well soon, girl.

(and goodluck also)

Love, N

A lil bit about today;

Today, I just realized that I am lonely & sad. I just don't know why I had this kind of feeling. Perhaps I am clingy? Hmmm big question mark in my head. Is this the feeling of being clingy, overly attached or what else should I named it? This feeling is weird. I rarely got this feeling. Feels like.......I need someone's attention. But definitely on nothing. Is this love? For real? Gahhh, I hate this feeling. I ended up writing letters, diary & so on. I couldn't voice it out loud. I had tonnes of questions in my head right now, but it's all negative. Shit, just shit. I am in the midst of telling or not telling. This feeling is sick! (haha)

- - - - -

Today, I realized that the relationship I am having right now is damn real. It's definitely testing my patience on waiting and tolerating. I feel like wanna get angry on something but somehow I realized that it is not relevant at all. So I decided to stay quite and tone down my fucking ego. What a relieve......I managed myself very well, extremely well than before. This relationship I am having right now taught me what is to be happy, how important it is and also, not to give stupid assumption. Yes self yes. You managed yourself really well these few days! You might not be able  to speak up to him, but at least, you tolerate with yourself first, you got yourself neutral first. That's good! Good job! :) I miss him, but I am afraid. (stupidest reason ever) how many more days should it be like this?!?! I hate this. Ugh. But still, sabar je lah.....you're not clingy, right? (haha)

- - - - -

Today, I realized of the importance of being grateful. Your words show it all. For instance, you might not like your work or whatever you are doing, but as long as you are sincere on it, Allah will definitely helps you. He always do. He opens up a lot of opportunities, yet we are still engrossed. Be grateful in life, self. I hate it when they don't want to listen to me. Still, I got to stay strong & be patient all the time. All you are doing now is for your own better future. And one of the way to help the one that need the most; your family.

- - - - -

Today, I realized that my life is valuable. So try to be happy even if you are not. Try to put yourself up back again when everyone try to put you down. Try to be independent (cuz you always are!), don't ever depend on other people to make you happy. Comfort yourself first. Chin up girl! Spend less time crying & not sleeping. Don't make your ugly face gets uglier! (haha)

- - - - -

Last but not least, --

I hate days like this. Please end soon. Sigh.

Love, N

Dispute?

Sometimes, when I disagree on something, I am really scared to express it out. Because;
1) you need to take care of the others feeling
2) still the same reason: taking care of their feeling

This is the thing that got my tongue stuck. All the time. But it's a major disaster (for myself) when I had enough of thoughts. Ahh self. Just follow the flow. It's not a big matter, right? I know you hate it, self, but sabar je lah. It's not about being perfect. It's about trust. Forget the unhappiness. Think about yourself first. Care about your change. If they love you, they'll take care of your feelings too. #BeStrong

But..........
Why am I still afraid of telling truths, the things I dislike?

W h y ?

Love, N

Ain't my fault?

Nope. It's totally my fault. My fault of getting into these shits and not knowing how to survive. Days are getting worst. Pressured. Even how many times I told myself to be patient, still, I am standing on the same cliff. Whether to jump and die or keep on waiting until someone even save me from falling. I can't get myself right. I can't get myself into the right space. I'm lost in my own world. World full of negativity. World full of disgrace. World full of 'demons'. But, confront it, self. You were the demon before this. Accept it. Face it! What else? What kind of games you guys want to play some more? Show me. Show to the world. Humiliate me. Hey, trying to kick me out from this world? It's not yours. Not fucking yours. 

I asked God what's the best answer. But, He is not giving any yet. Yes, it is a test. But still, why can my mind accept it? Why? Question to yourself: why? Ahhh all these things got me tired, super tired. But I need to be alive. I can't lose to my own life. I can't be weak. Don't show to the world that you are useless, self. Because you are not a loser. You were born to be a hero in your life. Hold on. Please, hold on.

Love, N