I choose.......

After countless hours & minutes, waiting for good, we chose this way?


I choose to stay away.


Perhaps I am hurt with my own mistakes. The one who always try to ruin a happy story. Fuck. Can you at least make people happy, self? Can you stop being stupid?


I choose to stay away.


How many more days should I stay in this depression?



Broken; I am more than broken right now.



God, please pull me out. I can't stand anymore.

Dull

Things are just getting dull lately. Am I being the old me back again? It's a red alert if it's a yes. Things are getting dull, slow, boring and yeah, umm I don't know. I can't simply assume anything because I am afraid it all actually came from me. So stay chill and.............stay chill. Don't put up too much comments, dissatisfaction, complaints, arguments and so on, self. Stay down to the max.


Embrace yourself.

Love, N

The hustle is real

Currently found myself trapped in my own mind all over again. Sick of it. Everything seems to be a mess right now. All I wanna do right now is to keep everyone safe from any mess. Yet, I have to sacrifice myself. It's a hard decision I gotta bare, really hard. I'm afraid that I won't be able to say hello to a good future. Sometimes I wonder why did I took up these kind of responsibilities in my life. But the answer is super easy: it was fated to be yours. No saying no.

Strength & support is all I ever need right now. But seems like I can't really find anyone to talk, comforting myself. Hey, I should be doing it myself. No more telling people. No more. I need a distraction, to manipulate my mind from all these negativity. Yet, I can't find the right things, places to distract my mind from all of this. The hustle is getting real. I am afraid that someday I'll be giving up in my life again. I ain't going back to dark past of mine, where I made stupid decisions for myself. No, strictly no.


"Am I depressed?"

Yes, you are.
Just, don't let your depression controls you like it did before.



Where is the light? It's dark here.

Pull me out.

Love, N

Struggling in life?

Writing (I mean typing) early in the cold morning, still wrapped up in blanket, with sweater on and cooling pad on my forehead. Fever sucks. Still, I feel like want to express my feeling over here. Well, I got no where else.

Struggle. 

How do you really define the word? I was questioned & judged about my efforts in my life. "plus before this you never struggled pun nk achieved something. Semua org yg tolong." I will probably remembered this clearly in my head. And now, I am questioning myself: How was your effort, your struggle, in surviving your life? Hmm big question mark.

People didn't clearly see what am I struggling in my life, every single day. Yet, they tend to discriminate, judge, condemn. Why? Because they think they were born perfect in this world. I feel grateful, yet hurt. Grateful that I am up for any challenges now and still alive, strong and ready for another challenges; hurt that people tend to...umm well, judge me only in one thing without considering the others. I spend almost 10 years of my life to help my family, without considering myself first, without being selfish. Yet, people judge me that way? Yes, people helped me a lot before. I am grateful for that. But, hmm I am out of words. This thing got me dying in pain over and over again....but no worries. I will (and have to) be strong enough to face this. #BeStrong

Reminder to myself from all the things that happened today;

we are no one to judge people.

we are no one to judge an individual's effort.

no need to show off to the world that only you are putting effort on something: the world doesn't fucking care. Believe me.

Past is past. Plan ahead for the future. You know yourself better now. You know how far you are changing now. You know how to motivate yourself. You know how to love yourself better now. You know how to be thankful to people now. You know a lot now, self. Implement it. Be grateful. Be strong. Stay chill. Stay astig!

P/s: despite the shits that happened early in the morning, I am not upset. I am thankful to Allah that He gave me chance to stay alive today (in shaa Allah more days, years ahead), with my loved ones who always support me through ups & downs and one of the way to prevent this day to be a bad day ahead (haha). I need a good day to stay away from this annoying fever tho.

Love, N

Disease

Insecurities or jealousy?

Shit. Both; it got me confused, all the time. I am not really sure whether I am jealous or what, just that I got the insecurities all the time in my head. I do regret for having a hot boyfriend; whom every girl wants to be with him. Beautiful, hot girls around him. Still, he chose me -_- wtf. Aaaaaaa how to get rid of this feeling?!?!?! I'm getting sick of it. (haha)

Jealousy is a disease.

Get well soon, girl.

(and goodluck also)

Love, N