Dark attempt

I'm losing myself again. I think I am being unconscious in my life right now. I didn't even know what am I doing in my life right now. Everything seems so dark. I can't clearly see what's happening around me right now. I can't even think well, can't really plan for my future endeavours. I am losing my passion. I'm no longer know what's my passion and even what are the things that keeps me going on right now. I'm no longer brave to dream. I've lose my spirit, my soul. I've lose everything inside me. It's empty. I keep on hearing voices in my head. Stuck in depression. Cried heavily. Attempted suicide. How bad can these things be? I don't even know what's happening to me now...I kinda feel that I am in a big regret. I didn't work hard for myself, my future. I've let myself lost in my own mean world. I've let depression controlled me. I regret for letting these things happened.

God, please help me. I'm insane.

On the edge of every why (s)

Why am I putting extra effort for myself & for other people to be happy?
Why they didn't do the same to me?
Why I don't feel appreciated?
Why should I tell what to do when you don't wanna do it anyway?
Why do I have to spend time mending my own broken heart?
Why?

I've talked too much.
I've think too much.
And I hope I've made too much, too.

On every why(s), there comes disappointment.
On every why(s), there comes heartbreaks.

Changed.

I'm sorry;

but;

You've changed.

Hollow

My souls are empty.
Loneliness conquered me.
Depression is haunting.

I hate this feeling of loneliness.
Of feeling empty.
Of feeling miserably lonely.

Behind all these smiles, there is an empty soul.
Behind all these laughter, there are tears, falling like a waterfall.
Behind all these strengths, there are bruises all over this heart.


Demoralized, demotivated.

I need a remedy.
Cure me.

Tears, N

22 days; Looking for Love

Sometimes;
when they are comfortable enough;
they'll loved.
and probably;
they'll forget.
They'll forget the happiness they created before.

It's suicidal.
It's painful.

Am I breaking my own heart?
Or --
It's just a fantasy of mine?

Maybe, people should stop promising me things that they can't keep.
Maybe, people should stop convincing me that I'll get defense on anything.
Maybe, people should stop saying that they will protect me.

Maybe, they should stop.
They should;
because they won't. They don't.

I hope I will keep seeing things, in a good way.
I hope.

because the hope is fading; the hope towards myself is fading.

Love, N

Stormy

It's so frustrated that I have to keep everything to myself.

The need of talking to someone is burning in my soul.

but I just can't.

I am tired of crying, inside & out.

I am tired of all the stupid dramas that people continuously create.
I am tired of all the negativity people are spreading.

I am tired of all the unsolved problems, that I can't bear to solve.

I am tired of talking to myself every single day.

I am tired of all the nightmares I had every time I tried to sleep.

I am definitely in the state of getting tired of everything.

How I wish someone can listen to me now.

How I wish someone can see me crying out loud now.

How I wish someone can hug me tight now.

How I wish.

And how I wish,

everything ended now.

Why do I feel alone? Why do I cry every single day of my new life? Why am I not happy?

Patience; the main key for now.

Hey big girl,

everything will be better, soon.

Stand still.

Love, N

Lonely

Lately,

I feel lonely.







This loneliness is killing me.

Where

I don't have more guts;
to ask for things;
to voice out my unhappy heartfelt;
to share (even) my happiness.

Where did the feeling goes?

I am afraid that someday--
I won't be happy with myself, anymore.
I am afraid that someday--
I died on the inside. My soul.

Am I taking a good care of my own heart?

I hope I do.

Rights?

Sometimes, somehow, the thoughts on mind are ridiculous.
Till when should I acted like this?

But;
my heart is forcing me.
To get the rights that I deserved.

But;
do I really deserve the 'rights' I kept on telling myself?

No. Yes, no.

I am tired with myself, after a while.
Telling myself to move on from all the memories;
which are not even mine.


Hurt. Definitely hurt.
Sick. Definitely sick.


But;
I am not giving up--
on us.

Love, N

I choose.......

After countless hours & minutes, waiting for good, we chose this way?


I choose to stay away.


Perhaps I am hurt with my own mistakes. The one who always try to ruin a happy story. Fuck. Can you at least make people happy, self? Can you stop being stupid?


I choose to stay away.


How many more days should I stay in this depression?



Broken; I am more than broken right now.



God, please pull me out. I can't stand anymore.

Dull

Things are just getting dull lately. Am I being the old me back again? It's a red alert if it's a yes. Things are getting dull, slow, boring and yeah, umm I don't know. I can't simply assume anything because I am afraid it all actually came from me. So stay chill and.............stay chill. Don't put up too much comments, dissatisfaction, complaints, arguments and so on, self. Stay down to the max.


Embrace yourself.

Love, N

The hustle is real

Currently found myself trapped in my own mind all over again. Sick of it. Everything seems to be a mess right now. All I wanna do right now is to keep everyone safe from any mess. Yet, I have to sacrifice myself. It's a hard decision I gotta bare, really hard. I'm afraid that I won't be able to say hello to a good future. Sometimes I wonder why did I took up these kind of responsibilities in my life. But the answer is super easy: it was fated to be yours. No saying no.

Strength & support is all I ever need right now. But seems like I can't really find anyone to talk, comforting myself. Hey, I should be doing it myself. No more telling people. No more. I need a distraction, to manipulate my mind from all these negativity. Yet, I can't find the right things, places to distract my mind from all of this. The hustle is getting real. I am afraid that someday I'll be giving up in my life again. I ain't going back to dark past of mine, where I made stupid decisions for myself. No, strictly no.


"Am I depressed?"

Yes, you are.
Just, don't let your depression controls you like it did before.



Where is the light? It's dark here.

Pull me out.

Love, N

Struggling in life?

Writing (I mean typing) early in the cold morning, still wrapped up in blanket, with sweater on and cooling pad on my forehead. Fever sucks. Still, I feel like want to express my feeling over here. Well, I got no where else.

Struggle. 

How do you really define the word? I was questioned & judged about my efforts in my life. "plus before this you never struggled pun nk achieved something. Semua org yg tolong." I will probably remembered this clearly in my head. And now, I am questioning myself: How was your effort, your struggle, in surviving your life? Hmm big question mark.

People didn't clearly see what am I struggling in my life, every single day. Yet, they tend to discriminate, judge, condemn. Why? Because they think they were born perfect in this world. I feel grateful, yet hurt. Grateful that I am up for any challenges now and still alive, strong and ready for another challenges; hurt that people tend to...umm well, judge me only in one thing without considering the others. I spend almost 10 years of my life to help my family, without considering myself first, without being selfish. Yet, people judge me that way? Yes, people helped me a lot before. I am grateful for that. But, hmm I am out of words. This thing got me dying in pain over and over again....but no worries. I will (and have to) be strong enough to face this. #BeStrong

Reminder to myself from all the things that happened today;

we are no one to judge people.

we are no one to judge an individual's effort.

no need to show off to the world that only you are putting effort on something: the world doesn't fucking care. Believe me.

Past is past. Plan ahead for the future. You know yourself better now. You know how far you are changing now. You know how to motivate yourself. You know how to love yourself better now. You know how to be thankful to people now. You know a lot now, self. Implement it. Be grateful. Be strong. Stay chill. Stay astig!

P/s: despite the shits that happened early in the morning, I am not upset. I am thankful to Allah that He gave me chance to stay alive today (in shaa Allah more days, years ahead), with my loved ones who always support me through ups & downs and one of the way to prevent this day to be a bad day ahead (haha). I need a good day to stay away from this annoying fever tho.

Love, N

Disease

Insecurities or jealousy?

Shit. Both; it got me confused, all the time. I am not really sure whether I am jealous or what, just that I got the insecurities all the time in my head. I do regret for having a hot boyfriend; whom every girl wants to be with him. Beautiful, hot girls around him. Still, he chose me -_- wtf. Aaaaaaa how to get rid of this feeling?!?!?! I'm getting sick of it. (haha)

Jealousy is a disease.

Get well soon, girl.

(and goodluck also)

Love, N

A lil bit about today;

Today, I just realized that I am lonely & sad. I just don't know why I had this kind of feeling. Perhaps I am clingy? Hmmm big question mark in my head. Is this the feeling of being clingy, overly attached or what else should I named it? This feeling is weird. I rarely got this feeling. Feels like.......I need someone's attention. But definitely on nothing. Is this love? For real? Gahhh, I hate this feeling. I ended up writing letters, diary & so on. I couldn't voice it out loud. I had tonnes of questions in my head right now, but it's all negative. Shit, just shit. I am in the midst of telling or not telling. This feeling is sick! (haha)

- - - - -

Today, I realized that the relationship I am having right now is damn real. It's definitely testing my patience on waiting and tolerating. I feel like wanna get angry on something but somehow I realized that it is not relevant at all. So I decided to stay quite and tone down my fucking ego. What a relieve......I managed myself very well, extremely well than before. This relationship I am having right now taught me what is to be happy, how important it is and also, not to give stupid assumption. Yes self yes. You managed yourself really well these few days! You might not be able  to speak up to him, but at least, you tolerate with yourself first, you got yourself neutral first. That's good! Good job! :) I miss him, but I am afraid. (stupidest reason ever) how many more days should it be like this?!?! I hate this. Ugh. But still, sabar je lah.....you're not clingy, right? (haha)

- - - - -

Today, I realized of the importance of being grateful. Your words show it all. For instance, you might not like your work or whatever you are doing, but as long as you are sincere on it, Allah will definitely helps you. He always do. He opens up a lot of opportunities, yet we are still engrossed. Be grateful in life, self. I hate it when they don't want to listen to me. Still, I got to stay strong & be patient all the time. All you are doing now is for your own better future. And one of the way to help the one that need the most; your family.

- - - - -

Today, I realized that my life is valuable. So try to be happy even if you are not. Try to put yourself up back again when everyone try to put you down. Try to be independent (cuz you always are!), don't ever depend on other people to make you happy. Comfort yourself first. Chin up girl! Spend less time crying & not sleeping. Don't make your ugly face gets uglier! (haha)

- - - - -

Last but not least, --

I hate days like this. Please end soon. Sigh.

Love, N

Dispute?

Sometimes, when I disagree on something, I am really scared to express it out. Because;
1) you need to take care of the others feeling
2) still the same reason: taking care of their feeling

This is the thing that got my tongue stuck. All the time. But it's a major disaster (for myself) when I had enough of thoughts. Ahh self. Just follow the flow. It's not a big matter, right? I know you hate it, self, but sabar je lah. It's not about being perfect. It's about trust. Forget the unhappiness. Think about yourself first. Care about your change. If they love you, they'll take care of your feelings too. #BeStrong

But..........
Why am I still afraid of telling truths, the things I dislike?

W h y ?

Love, N

Ain't my fault?

Nope. It's totally my fault. My fault of getting into these shits and not knowing how to survive. Days are getting worst. Pressured. Even how many times I told myself to be patient, still, I am standing on the same cliff. Whether to jump and die or keep on waiting until someone even save me from falling. I can't get myself right. I can't get myself into the right space. I'm lost in my own world. World full of negativity. World full of disgrace. World full of 'demons'. But, confront it, self. You were the demon before this. Accept it. Face it! What else? What kind of games you guys want to play some more? Show me. Show to the world. Humiliate me. Hey, trying to kick me out from this world? It's not yours. Not fucking yours. 

I asked God what's the best answer. But, He is not giving any yet. Yes, it is a test. But still, why can my mind accept it? Why? Question to yourself: why? Ahhh all these things got me tired, super tired. But I need to be alive. I can't lose to my own life. I can't be weak. Don't show to the world that you are useless, self. Because you are not a loser. You were born to be a hero in your life. Hold on. Please, hold on.

Love, N

  

If and ever if.....

Once, he said that I was the most talented, smart and beautiful girl he ever known.
But now, "you're such an ugly and arrogant bitch!"

"Bitch."

I'm getting tired of receiving this word. It hurts like hell. You're a respectful lady, self. Just that, you are lack of guidance. But, people (who believes that he/she is the greatest & noble human in this world) keeps on punishing you. Yes, I've made a lot of mistakes. Yes, I deserve punishments. But not this way.


If you want me to change, guide me.
If you want me to be better, show me good examples.


Don't worry, self. This pain will worth. This pain will be your pure motivator. Yes, this pain. You can't think that you are good enough in this world. Always be humble and be kind. Always remember that, self. Stay strong and keep on having the patience in you, because you deserve to be called "independent & strong girl". Someday. Just wait for it. And for the people who's punishing you in a bad way, just pray the best for them. They are just immature and lack of life's exposure. Let's just hope that they will also learnt a life lesson. Someday, they will have to thank you for that...


Hey girl, don't cry. Long journey to go. Chin up and smile. You will get the happiness that you ever wanted. That's a promise.

Love, N

Numb

I'm feeling numb. On most of everything. And I hope it stays this way so that I won't get affected by the negativity anymore. It's hard to change. Swear to God, it's hard. Arguing all the possibilities with your own self. Defending your points about do's and don't's. All sorts of things. It's just hard. But, I hope it's gonna worth for life time. Hope that this thing won't be half way. Let's just hope for good things to happen.


Yes, self. You are more than what you think. You got what it takes to be a good person. Yes, keep going on. Don't ever stop. Follow the flow. Stay away from the rebellious side of yours. You're doing fine right now.


Just that, you are feeling................................


numb.

Love, N

Letter To Love

Let me begin with the usual way.


Letter to love ♥

Dear love,

from the beginning I met you, I believe that we are together because of something. I can feel the deep connection between us. And yes, knowing you, wasn't a regret for me. You made me believe of myself. You made me believe that I am strong to face all the struggles I had in my life. You encouraged me doing good things. You treat me like I'm a good girl while everyone sees me as bitch. I am sorry for not starting up this relationship with a good start. I am sorry I can't be perfect like the others. I am so sorry for everything...but you accept my flaws perfectly.

When the world is putting me down, you are here to grab me and pull me up. You shine my world that was full of sorrow. You shed me from the heavy rain of disasters. You block the strong wind of negativity from me. You are my lights during my darkest hours. Hey, you are definitely a knight in shining armor.

Dear love, I am so grateful to met you. We had rough start, but I do believe someday we will have a happy ending. You're the guy I want to get married. The guy that will take care of my (or should I say our) kids in the future. The guy who will give me extra care when I'm sick. And most important, the guy that will  guide me to Jannah. Yes, we both are imperfect. We both are lost sometimes. But, Allah is fair. He will give us the hidayah that we are longing for. I do believe that, love.

Love,  if you are reading this, know that I will always love you and I will stay together with you, in pieces, during ups and downs. Promise me you will stay. Promise me you won't let go. Promise me that you will bring this relationship to a halal one. I love you, my future eternal happiness. I love you so much.

Love, N

New Chapter

Dear diary,

it has been years of revenge. Uncounted stupid mistakes that I ever did. As I grow older, all the things hit me back. And it hurts like hell. Yes, I've been experiencing some bad moments in my life now. Yes, I learnt a lesson from it. Oops, I shouldn't said lesson. It supposed to be lessons. I am a good person, but sometimes, because of the revenge, I became stupid.

But,

who are you guys to punish me? Who are you to decide whether I am sinful or not? Who are you to kick me out from my own world? You guys are not God. You guys are not angels. Everyone made mistakes in their life. No one is perfect. NO ONE. I know I am just nobody to express these things out, but please, stay fucking away from my life. Give me space to change. You may think that I am a bad person, but people can change! If you can't help, stay away. Just pray that someone will 'knock' me on my head and I will change. Just that.

Sometimes, feels like my life is unfair. Felt this from the beginning of my life. But, I know God is showing me something. He want me to be a respectful and humble slave of Him. Obeying Him. That's why I am standing still until now. Because of Him. My Creator, Allah S.W.T. Hope that this time I won't fall. Hope that this time I won't be doing stupid mistakes all over again. Hope that this time I will change.

Yes, I really hope to announce it to the whole world. But, it's a trap. If you want to change, announce it to your God. I am not gaining some more trust from people anymore. I need to trust and believe myself first. Let bygone be bygone. I am focusing on what's important right now: my new life, the change and my happiness.

Opening up a new chapter of my life. Writing good stories in it. I hope that no more errors in the stories.

Give me space and time, because I will change.

And world, be prepared to regret for every single bad things you ever said to me. Because some fine day, I will prove to everyone, that.......i am somebody great in this world.

Love, N