Struggling in life?

Writing (I mean typing) early in the cold morning, still wrapped up in blanket, with sweater on and cooling pad on my forehead. Fever sucks. Still, I feel like want to express my feeling over here. Well, I got no where else.

Struggle. 

How do you really define the word? I was questioned & judged about my efforts in my life. "plus before this you never struggled pun nk achieved something. Semua org yg tolong." I will probably remembered this clearly in my head. And now, I am questioning myself: How was your effort, your struggle, in surviving your life? Hmm big question mark.

People didn't clearly see what am I struggling in my life, every single day. Yet, they tend to discriminate, judge, condemn. Why? Because they think they were born perfect in this world. I feel grateful, yet hurt. Grateful that I am up for any challenges now and still alive, strong and ready for another challenges; hurt that people tend to...umm well, judge me only in one thing without considering the others. I spend almost 10 years of my life to help my family, without considering myself first, without being selfish. Yet, people judge me that way? Yes, people helped me a lot before. I am grateful for that. But, hmm I am out of words. This thing got me dying in pain over and over again....but no worries. I will (and have to) be strong enough to face this. #BeStrong

Reminder to myself from all the things that happened today;

we are no one to judge people.

we are no one to judge an individual's effort.

no need to show off to the world that only you are putting effort on something: the world doesn't fucking care. Believe me.

Past is past. Plan ahead for the future. You know yourself better now. You know how far you are changing now. You know how to motivate yourself. You know how to love yourself better now. You know how to be thankful to people now. You know a lot now, self. Implement it. Be grateful. Be strong. Stay chill. Stay astig!

P/s: despite the shits that happened early in the morning, I am not upset. I am thankful to Allah that He gave me chance to stay alive today (in shaa Allah more days, years ahead), with my loved ones who always support me through ups & downs and one of the way to prevent this day to be a bad day ahead (haha). I need a good day to stay away from this annoying fever tho.

Love, N

Disease

Insecurities or jealousy?

Shit. Both; it got me confused, all the time. I am not really sure whether I am jealous or what, just that I got the insecurities all the time in my head. I do regret for having a hot boyfriend; whom every girl wants to be with him. Beautiful, hot girls around him. Still, he chose me -_- wtf. Aaaaaaa how to get rid of this feeling?!?!?! I'm getting sick of it. (haha)

Jealousy is a disease.

Get well soon, girl.

(and goodluck also)

Love, N

A lil bit about today;

Today, I just realized that I am lonely & sad. I just don't know why I had this kind of feeling. Perhaps I am clingy? Hmmm big question mark in my head. Is this the feeling of being clingy, overly attached or what else should I named it? This feeling is weird. I rarely got this feeling. Feels like.......I need someone's attention. But definitely on nothing. Is this love? For real? Gahhh, I hate this feeling. I ended up writing letters, diary & so on. I couldn't voice it out loud. I had tonnes of questions in my head right now, but it's all negative. Shit, just shit. I am in the midst of telling or not telling. This feeling is sick! (haha)

- - - - -

Today, I realized that the relationship I am having right now is damn real. It's definitely testing my patience on waiting and tolerating. I feel like wanna get angry on something but somehow I realized that it is not relevant at all. So I decided to stay quite and tone down my fucking ego. What a relieve......I managed myself very well, extremely well than before. This relationship I am having right now taught me what is to be happy, how important it is and also, not to give stupid assumption. Yes self yes. You managed yourself really well these few days! You might not be able  to speak up to him, but at least, you tolerate with yourself first, you got yourself neutral first. That's good! Good job! :) I miss him, but I am afraid. (stupidest reason ever) how many more days should it be like this?!?! I hate this. Ugh. But still, sabar je lah.....you're not clingy, right? (haha)

- - - - -

Today, I realized of the importance of being grateful. Your words show it all. For instance, you might not like your work or whatever you are doing, but as long as you are sincere on it, Allah will definitely helps you. He always do. He opens up a lot of opportunities, yet we are still engrossed. Be grateful in life, self. I hate it when they don't want to listen to me. Still, I got to stay strong & be patient all the time. All you are doing now is for your own better future. And one of the way to help the one that need the most; your family.

- - - - -

Today, I realized that my life is valuable. So try to be happy even if you are not. Try to put yourself up back again when everyone try to put you down. Try to be independent (cuz you always are!), don't ever depend on other people to make you happy. Comfort yourself first. Chin up girl! Spend less time crying & not sleeping. Don't make your ugly face gets uglier! (haha)

- - - - -

Last but not least, --

I hate days like this. Please end soon. Sigh.

Love, N

Dispute?

Sometimes, when I disagree on something, I am really scared to express it out. Because;
1) you need to take care of the others feeling
2) still the same reason: taking care of their feeling

This is the thing that got my tongue stuck. All the time. But it's a major disaster (for myself) when I had enough of thoughts. Ahh self. Just follow the flow. It's not a big matter, right? I know you hate it, self, but sabar je lah. It's not about being perfect. It's about trust. Forget the unhappiness. Think about yourself first. Care about your change. If they love you, they'll take care of your feelings too. #BeStrong

But..........
Why am I still afraid of telling truths, the things I dislike?

W h y ?

Love, N

Ain't my fault?

Nope. It's totally my fault. My fault of getting into these shits and not knowing how to survive. Days are getting worst. Pressured. Even how many times I told myself to be patient, still, I am standing on the same cliff. Whether to jump and die or keep on waiting until someone even save me from falling. I can't get myself right. I can't get myself into the right space. I'm lost in my own world. World full of negativity. World full of disgrace. World full of 'demons'. But, confront it, self. You were the demon before this. Accept it. Face it! What else? What kind of games you guys want to play some more? Show me. Show to the world. Humiliate me. Hey, trying to kick me out from this world? It's not yours. Not fucking yours. 

I asked God what's the best answer. But, He is not giving any yet. Yes, it is a test. But still, why can my mind accept it? Why? Question to yourself: why? Ahhh all these things got me tired, super tired. But I need to be alive. I can't lose to my own life. I can't be weak. Don't show to the world that you are useless, self. Because you are not a loser. You were born to be a hero in your life. Hold on. Please, hold on.

Love, N